How to be a Better Black Woman! Part 1: Why do we SETTLE for less?

Posted on September 20, 2009. Filed under: Double Standards, Life, Love, Men, Random, Relationship, Uncategorized, Vixen Tells, Women | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

First, I would like to start off by saying that I know there are many black women out there in America that do not and refuse to settle for any random man that comes along. I know there are many woman out there very adamant about finding the well-educated, mature, motivated, job-having and God-fearing man that most of us dream about. However, most of us are not commonly finding that man. Most of us are waiting on “Mr. Right” to come along but often settle for the dude across the street that we claim we’re only talking to because “he’s there.” Most of us fail in the finding men department, but the question is not the failing part, the question is WHY!?!?

Why do we deprive ourselves from living the life we dream about? Why do we stray away from the white picket-fenced American Dream? Do we as black people just not value quality? Do we feel, as black woman, that maybe we don’t deserve that knight in shining armour?

Most woman dream about a huge wedding and the “Happily Ever After” ending, but is it just that?? Is it just a dream, or could it be real if we make it real? Did all the good Black men just leave and didn’t let us know? I don’t know what is happening in the relationship department between black women and men but I’ve managed to compile a starting list of things that I believe contribute to black women settling for the first man that comes along.

First, many black women are hard-wired to believe that “all black men are dogs.”


Whether we agree with the statement or not, whether we want to believe it or not most black women have heard this statement since childhood. It’s almost become a way of life, or an accepted truth I should say. A black woman learns this about men just as she learns how to use the potty or how to eat with a spoon. No one knows where this point originally came from but it’s something you learn to deal with. People learn to judge, based on their upbringings, whether they realize it or not.

Maybe some of us had a father that left. Maybe our mothers or grandmothers went through Hell with a black man. Maybe it’s the media. Maybe it’s Maury with his paternity tests. Maybe it’s the black men that deny their babies. Personally, I think it’s more of a defense mechanism. When we go into relationships knowing that all black men are dogs we won’t give our all in a relationship. We won’t let that dog pee all over our carpets, we won’t let him walk all over the house like he owns it. We won’t let that man come in and out when he feels like it, because he’s a dog. When a dog feels like they want to leave, they do just that…they run away. However, we love that dog so much && we don’t want him to leave. We try to trap that dog & watch that dog at all times. What we need to realize is that one can’t be mad at the dog, in all fairness for running away, that’s just what dogs do. They don’t know any better. Whatever the reason, it starts from a very young age, so that idea already warps your mind of what a relationship with a black man could and should be.

Secondly, some black women get SOOOO caught up in NOT “having a man” that they are ready and waiting to make that next man (the man that was probably only supposed to be in their life for ONE season) they try to keep him around for a lifetime. Some men are put into your life for a short amount of time. They are put there to teach you a lesson or to show you things in your life that can be possible. Sometimes they are even there to show you the things you don’t want to have to deal with for the rest of your life but some women miss those messages, ENTIRELY. I know everyone has seen “Martin,” so you can tell me, besides “stank breathe,” what was Pam’s biggest flaw?? The fact that she didn’t have a man and COULDN’T get one on top of that. Now, I know that’s TV, of course, but it hits on an important misconception.

A black woman has to have a man to be Happy!


Next, black women have a weakness for a cute face and some player talk. One of the biggest reasons why black women settle for less than ideal men is because, these men, simply…talk a good game. Once a man has a woman believing she’s “in love with him,” once he has that woman believing she’s the “only one” for him he’s pretty much reeled that woman in for life. There are men out there, however, who say what it takes. Their main goal is to get that woman to feel like she is in love so he can then do things that he wants, while stringing her along. Their goal is to play and deceive these women. Most women are very emotional creatures so they become naive to seeing these types of tricks and games being played. They are blinded by the “love” they think they feel. Many black women are loving on a married or otherwise committed man thinking that man is going to leave his wife, his life, his kids and everything as he knows it, for a side chick…sometimes YES, these men do, but more often than not….it’s just not gonna happen ladies!!!

Lastly, too many of us women, especially the very young or the older generations are much too insecure. We believe that if we let the one we have go, regardless of their wrong doings, we will never find that feeling again. We won’t find anyone better than the one we are with, even though that is mostly an untrue statement that’s how it goes.

Often times we can’t find anyone better because we are giving all of our time and effort to a person that isn’t appreciating it. We’re trying to get that man to see how much we love him && we’re not getting anything in return for it. From that way of thinking, however, we SETTLE, we take what we can get so that we don’t have to be alone. We won’t have to deal with the pain of a break-up and we also won’t have to start over anew.

PS….i’m not an expert i’m just sharing my personal experiences and convictions on the situation. Feel free to agree or disagree and let me know how you feel about black women && their thoughts on black men.


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3 Responses to “How to be a Better Black Woman! Part 1: Why do we SETTLE for less?”

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I’m feeling this article because it has a lot of truth in it.

Unfortunately, not only do some of us black woman not only have this train of thought BUT we are also aware that this is our train of thought yet we continue to deal with it…let it slide…say its not that bad. And we wake up 2 years later realizing that we settled when we knew what it was all alone.

I can especially relate to that last point. Feeling like we’ll never get that feeling again or that we’ll have to start anew…that’s exactly why I stayed in my last relationship 2 years too long when I knew it should’ve been a wrap after the first 6 months. But some people don’t believe that fire is hot until they get burned…

Keep dropping your knowledge.

I find that black chicks never date a guy with the qualities that they SAY they look for in a guy. They say the usual nice things that sound great on paper, but pretty much all do the same things. They want the athlete or the greek guy….two types of guys that lots of women want, so u damn right he’s not gonna act right, he’s got too many options!! Don’t know if you ever watched Harlem Heights, but anyway a chick on there that looks like keri hilson named “Brooke” turned down a dude with an educated, handsome brother named Pierre who works for a Harlem non-profit housing group doing good for the community…because he was “corny”. So guess who she ends up dating? His good friend who was “cooler”, who also had a great career, but was also sort of already seeing somebody. I think black women are so caught up on the outside of men. Chicks are 25, 26 yrs old looking for Mr “Cool” instead of Mr “Right”…its plenty of em out here! I’m one of them! But like its been said, nice gentleman guys never win out, or get ditched for the “bad boy”…the only guys that can afford to be nice guys are the ones like the afformentioned athlete, club owner, rapper, who the chick is going to like anyway no matter what the fuck he does. Just my two cents!

i have learned, after being in a two and half year relationship that should have been over in the first six months, that i should never settle. i was with this guy off and on. i saw signs but let them slide because he was handsome, had no children, introduced me to his family and had a job (we worked together). he was the most disrespectful, manipulative man i had ever been with, but something within me would not make it end! when i think back on it, i can honestly say that even though he said he loved me he didn’t. after i ended it with him, four months later he was engaged to someone else. i am not mad at it, because this girl doesn’t even know what is about to be on her plate. with all of that being said, black women or any woman for that matter should never settle. i agree with your “the man that was probably only supposed to be in their life for ONE season, they keep him around for a lifetime” comment. i learned a lot from that experience and refuse to let it happen again. i forgot to mention that this ex was rumored to be on the DL as well (found that out after the fact). have you ever or anyone you know had a relationship with a DL guy?

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