Double Standards

Why do Abusers Abuse!???!???

Posted on October 30, 2009. Filed under: Abuse, Double Standards, Life, Men, My 2 Cents, Problems, Relationship | Tags: , |

This has always been a topic that I wondered about. I’ve always wondered why men abused women existed and why there were women in the world that stayed in abusive relationships. First and Foremost, let me say that I don’t think it’s right for a woman to hit a man, or vice versa, but this post is geared towards all the male abusers out there and reading this post right now…

Me and My Mr. always have arguments about these sorts of topics. His claim to fame is that “A woman needs to stay in her place and she won’t have to worry about it.” I always say, “What is a woman’s place?? I have never come across ANY  reason why a man can talk sh&t, get in a womans face and a woman can’t do the same. I see no sense in that. I am a firm believer in the notion that everyone’s created equally. I have never prayed on any one simply because they seemed more fragile and more weak than I. That is cruel and doesn’t help me feel better about myself at all. If anything I try to uplift the “weak” so they won’t be taken advantage of by the next person that comes along. Anywho, I never understood why and when men thought it was OK to hit women. Was there a newsflash that I didn’t hear about?? I would think that hitting women would make you feel like less of a man, considering we’re supposed to be the more “fragile” of our species. It seems just a little too easy and the pattern that I have observed in abusers is one where they are always afraid of other confronting men that may cross the abusers path. So is it that they feel weak in the world and feel like letting out all of their anger and frustrations from that out on someone weaker than themselves? It seems that men are supposed to be our protectors but when we need protection from them, what happens then?

I know lots of outsiders (people looking into  an abusive relationship) would say, “why not call the police and why not just leave!?” However, sometimes it just isn’t that easy. Most of the time along with physical abuse comes emotional abuse and a very genuine fear of what will happen if they take these next steps. Especially when your fear for your family and/or your children.

I want men to know this and hear THIS if nothing else, there are many alternatives to hitting your lady. This should never even come across the mind as an option. When me and My Mr. are in the midst of arguing and I feel like it’s going too far, I usually just leave, cool off and maybe talk about it later.

—A few things to relieve stress to let go of Tension.

– Work Out

– Take up Boxing, or another Sport.

– Go Smoookke. (For all you smokers out there).

-Try to look at yourself as if you are out of the moment and in the room, what would your mother say?! What would you say if you were looking at yourself?

-When you feel the tension building, leave. Get in the car and go!

I want to talk a bit about the predatory side of abusing.  There are certain men out there that prey on a specific type of woman. There are men on Earth that enjoy beating on women. These are the types of guys that I never want to get involved with, meet, or even know. There is something really degrading and disheartening about the fact that a man will take his frustrations out on his wife or his woman, “the woman he’s supposed to love.” I do think there are men out there that get enjoyment out of someone else’s fear of them. I believe they crave and love that cycle of abuse, forgiveness, abuse and then again forgiveness. I guess that’s why these reality show brains came up with shows like “Snapped,” where women end up killing their husbands because they have been abused repeatedly until the point they are scared for their life and just can’t take it anymore. These women feel the only way to end their misery is to end their abusers life. That’s another thing, sometimes these women are so scared of their men they feel the only way to defend themselves is to resort to shooting, or killing their “victim” while in sleep mode or otherwise not aware of what’s going on.

I swear, abuse is a powerful thing. I know there are many aspects about this subject that I don’t know. I have done a little reading on the subject but nothing too extensive. I was just thinking about it and wanted to express my opinions on the topic.

Have any of you ever been in an abusive relationship? What came of it?

What if you found out the person you love is an abuser (emotional or physical), would you tell someone? Would you honestly try to leave?

What do you think about the women that end of killing their abusive husbands??

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Do Men really like Aggressive Women??

Posted on September 23, 2009. Filed under: Double Standards, Life, Love, Relationship, Uncategorized, Vixen Tells | Tags: , , , , , , |

…as some of you may know, who read my comments and posts all over the net, that I have been involved with My Mr. for about five years. We have a great loving relationship now, but took a while to get there. We’ve had our share of ups and downs. We’ve had a few more than I would like to admit but we’ve persevered through it all.

When we met each other five years ago, I was this very shy laid-back person. I can say that I am still true to that persona. I’ve never been a talkative person, I observe. I stay to myself and don’t like to talk about my business. I’ve always been this way, but have become much more open around people that I trust…except My Mr. I trust him and I do feel like I can tell him anything,but in certain situations I hold back.

In light of working on our communication he told me that, he “wants me to be more aggressive in the bedroom and he doesn’t want to always have to initiate sex.” I understand, whole-heartedly where he is coming from, but I just don’t know how to do that. There have been many times where i’m at home alone and think, “OK now, when he gets home i’m going to do this and i’m going to do that.” However, when I hear that bass and those keys I freeze up.

Deep down inside, I feel like if I do initiate sex or act like I want it, he will not like me as much anymore. I believe that he will think I just go after guys wanting sex from them. I don’t want to destroy the good girl image* that he has of me.

So, people, it’s obvious that I need help. How can I make myself more comfortable around him?? There are times when i’m laying next to him and want to do it, but I just can’t bring myself to make it happen. He tells me that he wishes I would. He tells me that he would love it, but I can’t actually take myself there. It’s hard to get into that aggressive mode. I’ve never had to before but I want to make our relationship better.

*P.S…, I want to clarify that “good girl image” is not an image, it really is true. In my lifetime I have only had sex with one other guy && I don’t smoke and really don’t drink either, only socially.

Any Suggestions???

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How to be a Better Black Woman! Part 1: Why do we SETTLE for less?

Posted on September 20, 2009. Filed under: Double Standards, Life, Love, Men, Random, Relationship, Uncategorized, Vixen Tells, Women | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

First, I would like to start off by saying that I know there are many black women out there in America that do not and refuse to settle for any random man that comes along. I know there are many woman out there very adamant about finding the well-educated, mature, motivated, job-having and God-fearing man that most of us dream about. However, most of us are not commonly finding that man. Most of us are waiting on “Mr. Right” to come along but often settle for the dude across the street that we claim we’re only talking to because “he’s there.” Most of us fail in the finding men department, but the question is not the failing part, the question is WHY!?!?

Why do we deprive ourselves from living the life we dream about? Why do we stray away from the white picket-fenced American Dream? Do we as black people just not value quality? Do we feel, as black woman, that maybe we don’t deserve that knight in shining armour?

Most woman dream about a huge wedding and the “Happily Ever After” ending, but is it just that?? Is it just a dream, or could it be real if we make it real? Did all the good Black men just leave and didn’t let us know? I don’t know what is happening in the relationship department between black women and men but I’ve managed to compile a starting list of things that I believe contribute to black women settling for the first man that comes along.

First, many black women are hard-wired to believe that “all black men are dogs.”

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Whether we agree with the statement or not, whether we want to believe it or not most black women have heard this statement since childhood. It’s almost become a way of life, or an accepted truth I should say. A black woman learns this about men just as she learns how to use the potty or how to eat with a spoon. No one knows where this point originally came from but it’s something you learn to deal with. People learn to judge, based on their upbringings, whether they realize it or not.

Maybe some of us had a father that left. Maybe our mothers or grandmothers went through Hell with a black man. Maybe it’s the media. Maybe it’s Maury with his paternity tests. Maybe it’s the black men that deny their babies. Personally, I think it’s more of a defense mechanism. When we go into relationships knowing that all black men are dogs we won’t give our all in a relationship. We won’t let that dog pee all over our carpets, we won’t let him walk all over the house like he owns it. We won’t let that man come in and out when he feels like it, because he’s a dog. When a dog feels like they want to leave, they do just that…they run away. However, we love that dog so much && we don’t want him to leave. We try to trap that dog & watch that dog at all times. What we need to realize is that one can’t be mad at the dog, in all fairness for running away, that’s just what dogs do. They don’t know any better. Whatever the reason, it starts from a very young age, so that idea already warps your mind of what a relationship with a black man could and should be.

Secondly, some black women get SOOOO caught up in NOT “having a man” that they are ready and waiting to make that next man (the man that was probably only supposed to be in their life for ONE season) they try to keep him around for a lifetime. Some men are put into your life for a short amount of time. They are put there to teach you a lesson or to show you things in your life that can be possible. Sometimes they are even there to show you the things you don’t want to have to deal with for the rest of your life but some women miss those messages, ENTIRELY. I know everyone has seen “Martin,” so you can tell me, besides “stank breathe,” what was Pam’s biggest flaw?? The fact that she didn’t have a man and COULDN’T get one on top of that. Now, I know that’s TV, of course, but it hits on an important misconception.

A black woman has to have a man to be Happy!

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Next, black women have a weakness for a cute face and some player talk. One of the biggest reasons why black women settle for less than ideal men is because, these men, simply…talk a good game. Once a man has a woman believing she’s “in love with him,” once he has that woman believing she’s the “only one” for him he’s pretty much reeled that woman in for life. There are men out there, however, who say what it takes. Their main goal is to get that woman to feel like she is in love so he can then do things that he wants, while stringing her along. Their goal is to play and deceive these women. Most women are very emotional creatures so they become naive to seeing these types of tricks and games being played. They are blinded by the “love” they think they feel. Many black women are loving on a married or otherwise committed man thinking that man is going to leave his wife, his life, his kids and everything as he knows it, for a side chick…sometimes YES, these men do, but more often than not….it’s just not gonna happen ladies!!!

Lastly, too many of us women, especially the very young or the older generations are much too insecure. We believe that if we let the one we have go, regardless of their wrong doings, we will never find that feeling again. We won’t find anyone better than the one we are with, even though that is mostly an untrue statement that’s how it goes.

Often times we can’t find anyone better because we are giving all of our time and effort to a person that isn’t appreciating it. We’re trying to get that man to see how much we love him && we’re not getting anything in return for it. From that way of thinking, however, we SETTLE, we take what we can get so that we don’t have to be alone. We won’t have to deal with the pain of a break-up and we also won’t have to start over anew.

PS….i’m not an expert i’m just sharing my personal experiences and convictions on the situation. Feel free to agree or disagree and let me know how you feel about black women && their thoughts on black men.

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10 Reasons why if you WERE going to get the NANA, Why you’re NOT NOW!!

Posted on September 12, 2009. Filed under: Double Standards, Life, Love, Men, Random, Style, Uncategorized, Vixen Tells | Tags: , , , |

Number 10….

Hey, first and foremost I would like to make it clear that sometimes a chick DOES just want  to play with your mind. If you let her, a women will make you think you’re gonna get it so she can get something out of the deal (I.E. a drink at the club, or a free meal. LOL.) when in all actuality, there was never a chance of you getting close to her bedroom.  I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s life.

Number 9.

You’re probably not gonna get it if you seem really pressed and desperate to get it. We’re gonna wonder why you haven’t been getting any. We’re gonna think something is wrong with you, or you’re either mentally disturbed (depending on the aggressiveness).

Number 8.

You’re probably not gonna get it if you seemed cool from a safe distance but once I got close to you all I smell is Fun-yuns (or what seems to be Fun-yuns)…in other words, If you’re in dire need of a mint, lifesaver, tic-tac or a bath…you’re probably not gonna get it.

Number 7.

You’re probably not gonna get it if we had a great night but you had to go and ruin it by getting hella drunk and annoying!!

Number 6.

You’re probably not gonna get it if you’re much more into your friends than the women you’re with. (Example: We’re on a date and you answer ALL of their calls and barely talk to the woman you’re with.) **This doesn’t apply if you’re actually not interested in the woman.

Number 5.

You’re probably not gonna get it if you were just too touchy feely and you don’t even know the woman THAT WELL. NO PDA’s if we’re not a couple dude!

Number 4.

You’re probably not gonna get it if your phone is ringing non-stop… You and I both know it’s your main thang calling, especially when you decide to turn your phone off or step outside for a minute to “handle some business.”

Number 3.

You’re probably not gonna get it if you’re trying to fill my head with pipe dreams like “Girl, you know I wanna be with you.” & “You’re not like all these other chicks.” We know it’s a lie, don’t try to decieve me into thinking i’m “something special to you” and we barely know each other.

Number 2.

You’re probably not gonna get it if you caught my eye, but when I surveyed you from head to toe, this is what I find…

Clean Shaven Face && Head!?!?? CHECK!

Cute Face?? CHECK.

Nice shirt???? CHECK.

Nice, ironed pants/Jeans??? CHECK??.

Nice Shoes!??!??…FAIL..

If your whole get up is on point (even if it’s not) your shoes cannot be leaning or dingy or any of the above! You will gets NOOO play!

&& the number one reason why you just played yourself out of an overnight stay….

You done said something stupid.

…if you have any to add, feel free…

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…let’s talk about SeX baby!!

Posted on September 11, 2009. Filed under: Double Standards, Life, Men, Random, Vixen Tells, Women | Tags: , , , , |

 

I saw this video on JessChika’s Blog @ Blogspot and loved the Video. I really do think that America is really too high strung on many many topics, but I will blog about all of that at a later date. Some of these facts are outrageous and may get you a little upset…but this video is mainly to inform you of what’s going on in the world of SEX!

SEX– the topic everyone loves to read and hear about but they just don’t wanna admit it!

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Chris Brown Interview… Chris, you might as well have Stayed HOME!

Posted on September 3, 2009. Filed under: Career, Double Standards, Job, Life, Love, Men, My 2 Cents, Problems, Relationship, Women | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

…this little “spoof” may be a little excessive but it hits on some good points. Chris is trying to gain back his popularity but he will NEVER do so if he doesn’t take responsibility for what he did. This guy is in COMPLETE DENIAL. I have never been the one to tell someone to apologize if they don’t mean it, but in America, right now, he is not being well received. No one is buying his albums. He’s not touring. No one is feeling the Chris Brown that everyone, just a few years ago, couldn’t get enough of. I think people just want Chris to say, “OK. I made a mistake and I was totally wrong for putting my hands on a woman, especially a woman that I love.”

He’s doing everything in his power to NOT do that and it’s really backfiring. Rihanna has moved on with her life and he’s stuck in this vicious loop that he’s NOT going to get out of unless he explains to America what was going through his head. Everyone saw the pictures of what he did and for him to say he doesn’t remember?? It’s unacceptable.

…and furthermore, what I thought was the craziest part of the interview was when they aired his prior apology. When they aired it, Chris started “laughing,” he really just had a little smirk on his face.

I really couldn’t believe that! I know he was trying to hold in it but it was evident that he found it humurous!

Even though everyone knows that apology was fake, he really just proved it and i’m surprised that that portion of the interview hasn’t turned into a huge deal. After that I really didn’t even want to watch the Interview anymore, but of course I did && TIVO’d it. Lol.

**So…Everybody let me know what you think about this situation?

Does he need to own up to what he did or should everyone just forget about this?

Are there more important things going on? Do you think his career will be the same?

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Men && Women just don’t respect Relationships anymore!?!? It’s a Cheater’s PARADISE!

Posted on August 28, 2009. Filed under: Cheating, Double Standards, Life, Love, Men, Random, Rants, Relationship, Women | Tags: , , , , , , |

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According to MomLogic.com. Out of 3,300 women polled:

— 52% of women have had sex with a married man
— 81% of women have been approached by a married man
— 60% of married men cheat
— Only 12% of women felt guilty about cheating
— A shocking 5% used a condom regularly

Sometimes, I think us ladies have a hard time believing that the man we are with is cheating on us. I have been in the situation myself and sometimes a woman can know in her heart that their “significant other” is out doing wrong but time and time again we need that SOLID proof. Something that will convince us that he’s doing what we HOPE TO GOD he is not. We need pictures, confirmation from his friends or other females. We take all of these steps while knowing deep down it’s unnecessary. I think women just don’t wanna feel duped. They want to be strong, they want to overlook the fact that “their man” doesn’t love them as much as he says he does. They want that man to know he is caught. We think by us catching him that he will instantly change…WRONG.  A person won’t change until they are ready unless they really really want to save the relationship.

 I believe you can’t have love without trust and honesty. If there is an open relationship  and line of communication from the beginning and each person knows their role from the  then that’s something totally different. However, relationships usually don’t go in that direction.

In today’s America there seems to be a loss of respect for a relationship. Whether you are married or just a girlfriend, our men have loss sight of the fact that when you choose to be in a relationship, you choose to be with that person and only that person.

All too many times us women continually forgive and forget. We are giving these men power over us. We are giving these men ammunition to think that it’s OK to treat us women in that way. Now, I’m not the type to say all men are “dogs,” but the ones that “are” have been made to believe that they can get away with it. If a women lets a men disrespect her why would he ever do anything but that. He’s still getting everything he wants from that women, so why treat you like the Queen you are?? I know many guys that have said they had to barely do anything to get a chick to buy them a car, pay a bill for them, or just flat out give them money. All they have to do is say

“oh yea, you’re my girlfriend!” “Oh yea, girl, OF COURSE I Love you.”

C’mon now. If that men isn’t putting in the time with you, if he isn’t uplifting you instead of taking from you then that’s not the man for you. That man doesn’t “love you,” that man loves what you’re doing for him.

NOT ALL WOMEN BUT SOME are like this. I have also been in this situation once (with a cheater, NOT with giving anybody my money) so i’m not trying to bash anyone. I can’t sit up here and talk about something that I know nothing about…so yea, but that’s my little disclaimer.

Back to the topic at hand, we give these men the power. When he “puts a ring on it” even after he’s cheated on you many times before, why in the WORLD would you think that just because the two of you said “I Do” that he really will. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t think I will ever marry. Everybody tells me that i’m crazy for not wanting to get married and i’m a women, but, to me, marriage is only A PIECE OF PAPER and a big ceremony people.

I REFUSE to get married and then get a divorce. If that’s gonna be the case we should have just kicked it and then broke up when we couldn’t stand each other, but now we have to deal with paperwork && the courts. For better or for worse is what marriage is supposed to be about, I know, but it’s also supposed to be about monogamy, so until I completely know that I have  THAT there will be no Queen marrying anybody…anywhere…anytime soon.

 

So, what you guys think about Marriage in 2009?

Is it the same? What has changed? Do you ever plan on getting married?

Do you think all men are dogs? Why or Why Not? Do you think there are still good men left?

Why is it do you think that we keep forgiving these men for treating us badly?

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Women can be cheaters too!! Top 5 reasons why…

Posted on August 17, 2009. Filed under: Double Standards, Problems, Relationship | Tags: , , , |

I was checking my email just a few minutes ago and came across this article on Yahoo entitled, “Why do Women Cheat?” Usually I don’t even pay attention to these types of articles because i’m a woman that really doesn’t do that, but this one came up with the top five reasons why. I wanted to see if I agreed with them or not…
Guess what!?!?

I DO!

I haven’t cheated on a boyfriend but IF I did, one or all of these following reasons would be why..

1. Feeling Lonely in a Relationship
–this one is definitely true, some would say the most common. There are many times when a woman feels like she is the only one in the relationship that’s committed. She’s the only one trying to make it work it. When times like that arise it makes a woman wonder why are they even in a relationship to begin with. Also, in a relationship both parties should be feel like they could talk to their partner about anything, but sometimes men just don’t understand or don’t even want to hear what you have to say. Sometimes a relationship just might not be as “emotionally fulfilling” as a woman would like.

2. Feeling taken for Granted.
— WOw….I think I could post days and days on this topic. I also think that this reason is for both men and woman. Woman are automatically supposed to be the more nurturing species && they take care of their man but when a man never thanks a woman or just acts like all that she is doing is what she is supposed to do then that’s when it becomes an unappreciation, I think (if that’s a word. lol). I know plenty of women that would do any and everything that her man asks, but many times when it comes down to a favor or even something that the woman needs, the man is quick to have something more important to do.

3. You are Leading Seperate Lives.
— Now I also think this pertains to both sexes. Leading seperate lives is basically just asking for one person in the relationship to cheat. A seperate life really means that both people in the relationship say they are together and may sleep in the same bed but during the day they are living as single people. Whether it be if they are constantly working and not wanting to come home from work, or whether they are going to see another person they have interest in. It’s healthy to have your own life, true, but sometimes you have to make time for what’s most important. If you’re not doing that then it means you don’t want to make time for the relationship. You have to make time for a healthy relationship, if you want it to work. When you’re not doing that and really living “seperate lives” that’s when it becomes a problem.

4. Revenge can be Bittersweet
— #4 is a little bit more about your character. There are some woman out here that no matter what their guy does they would never cheat on him, they would rather leave. On the other hand, there is only a certain amount that a person can take. Getting revenge can always be sweet but not always the right thing to do. However, in an upset state of mind all of those morals and values sometimes fly out of the window.

5. The Ego Needs Stroking
— Yes, woman have egos too. Sometimes a woman is just not getting what she needs at home. Maybe she wants someone to tell her she’s beautiful and make her feel wanted. If a woman really needs that and is not getting it then the chances of her cheating are much greater. Just as a man may need an ego boost in the same way woman surprisingly need it too.

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…dang Jamie. That’s what i’m talking about!!

Posted on August 15, 2009. Filed under: Double Standards, Model Type. | Tags: , , , , , , |

These pics right here have been CIR-CU-LA-TING!! This pics are everywhere. Even though MTO had to take them down, you can still find them on about 100 other sites. Anyway, I don’t know what Jamie is trippin’ on. He is looking hella good!! This is the kinda candy that us ladies need anyway. Men get it all the time. All these girls are just taking their clothes off for the cam at a moments notice && guys are never all the way revealed. Sorry for the guys that come across this but I had to do it.

2dviuys
–this is just a little teaser. Jamie has like the perfect body that I LOVEEEEE!

whodisnsfw
–NOW THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!! I love me some Jamie Foxx man!

…and on a lighter note..
2myynbk

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