Why do Abusers Abuse!???!???

Posted on October 30, 2009. Filed under: Abuse, Double Standards, Life, Men, My 2 Cents, Problems, Relationship | Tags: , |

This has always been a topic that I wondered about. I’ve always wondered why men abused women existed and why there were women in the world that stayed in abusive relationships. First and Foremost, let me say that I don’t think it’s right for a woman to hit a man, or vice versa, but this post is geared towards all the male abusers out there and reading this post right now…

Me and My Mr. always have arguments about these sorts of topics. His claim to fame is that “A woman needs to stay in her place and she won’t have to worry about it.” I always say, “What is a woman’s place?? I have never come across ANY  reason why a man can talk sh&t, get in a womans face and a woman can’t do the same. I see no sense in that. I am a firm believer in the notion that everyone’s created equally. I have never prayed on any one simply because they seemed more fragile and more weak than I. That is cruel and doesn’t help me feel better about myself at all. If anything I try to uplift the “weak” so they won’t be taken advantage of by the next person that comes along. Anywho, I never understood why and when men thought it was OK to hit women. Was there a newsflash that I didn’t hear about?? I would think that hitting women would make you feel like less of a man, considering we’re supposed to be the more “fragile” of our species. It seems just a little too easy and the pattern that I have observed in abusers is one where they are always afraid of other confronting men that may cross the abusers path. So is it that they feel weak in the world and feel like letting out all of their anger and frustrations from that out on someone weaker than themselves? It seems that men are supposed to be our protectors but when we need protection from them, what happens then?

I know lots of outsiders (people looking into  an abusive relationship) would say, “why not call the police and why not just leave!?” However, sometimes it just isn’t that easy. Most of the time along with physical abuse comes emotional abuse and a very genuine fear of what will happen if they take these next steps. Especially when your fear for your family and/or your children.

I want men to know this and hear THIS if nothing else, there are many alternatives to hitting your lady. This should never even come across the mind as an option. When me and My Mr. are in the midst of arguing and I feel like it’s going too far, I usually just leave, cool off and maybe talk about it later.

—A few things to relieve stress to let go of Tension.

– Work Out

– Take up Boxing, or another Sport.

– Go Smoookke. (For all you smokers out there).

-Try to look at yourself as if you are out of the moment and in the room, what would your mother say?! What would you say if you were looking at yourself?

-When you feel the tension building, leave. Get in the car and go!

I want to talk a bit about the predatory side of abusing.  There are certain men out there that prey on a specific type of woman. There are men on Earth that enjoy beating on women. These are the types of guys that I never want to get involved with, meet, or even know. There is something really degrading and disheartening about the fact that a man will take his frustrations out on his wife or his woman, “the woman he’s supposed to love.” I do think there are men out there that get enjoyment out of someone else’s fear of them. I believe they crave and love that cycle of abuse, forgiveness, abuse and then again forgiveness. I guess that’s why these reality show brains came up with shows like “Snapped,” where women end up killing their husbands because they have been abused repeatedly until the point they are scared for their life and just can’t take it anymore. These women feel the only way to end their misery is to end their abusers life. That’s another thing, sometimes these women are so scared of their men they feel the only way to defend themselves is to resort to shooting, or killing their “victim” while in sleep mode or otherwise not aware of what’s going on.

I swear, abuse is a powerful thing. I know there are many aspects about this subject that I don’t know. I have done a little reading on the subject but nothing too extensive. I was just thinking about it and wanted to express my opinions on the topic.

Have any of you ever been in an abusive relationship? What came of it?

What if you found out the person you love is an abuser (emotional or physical), would you tell someone? Would you honestly try to leave?

What do you think about the women that end of killing their abusive husbands??

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How to be a Better Black Woman! Part 1: Why do we SETTLE for less?

Posted on September 20, 2009. Filed under: Double Standards, Life, Love, Men, Random, Relationship, Uncategorized, Vixen Tells, Women | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

First, I would like to start off by saying that I know there are many black women out there in America that do not and refuse to settle for any random man that comes along. I know there are many woman out there very adamant about finding the well-educated, mature, motivated, job-having and God-fearing man that most of us dream about. However, most of us are not commonly finding that man. Most of us are waiting on “Mr. Right” to come along but often settle for the dude across the street that we claim we’re only talking to because “he’s there.” Most of us fail in the finding men department, but the question is not the failing part, the question is WHY!?!?

Why do we deprive ourselves from living the life we dream about? Why do we stray away from the white picket-fenced American Dream? Do we as black people just not value quality? Do we feel, as black woman, that maybe we don’t deserve that knight in shining armour?

Most woman dream about a huge wedding and the “Happily Ever After” ending, but is it just that?? Is it just a dream, or could it be real if we make it real? Did all the good Black men just leave and didn’t let us know? I don’t know what is happening in the relationship department between black women and men but I’ve managed to compile a starting list of things that I believe contribute to black women settling for the first man that comes along.

First, many black women are hard-wired to believe that “all black men are dogs.”

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Whether we agree with the statement or not, whether we want to believe it or not most black women have heard this statement since childhood. It’s almost become a way of life, or an accepted truth I should say. A black woman learns this about men just as she learns how to use the potty or how to eat with a spoon. No one knows where this point originally came from but it’s something you learn to deal with. People learn to judge, based on their upbringings, whether they realize it or not.

Maybe some of us had a father that left. Maybe our mothers or grandmothers went through Hell with a black man. Maybe it’s the media. Maybe it’s Maury with his paternity tests. Maybe it’s the black men that deny their babies. Personally, I think it’s more of a defense mechanism. When we go into relationships knowing that all black men are dogs we won’t give our all in a relationship. We won’t let that dog pee all over our carpets, we won’t let him walk all over the house like he owns it. We won’t let that man come in and out when he feels like it, because he’s a dog. When a dog feels like they want to leave, they do just that…they run away. However, we love that dog so much && we don’t want him to leave. We try to trap that dog & watch that dog at all times. What we need to realize is that one can’t be mad at the dog, in all fairness for running away, that’s just what dogs do. They don’t know any better. Whatever the reason, it starts from a very young age, so that idea already warps your mind of what a relationship with a black man could and should be.

Secondly, some black women get SOOOO caught up in NOT “having a man” that they are ready and waiting to make that next man (the man that was probably only supposed to be in their life for ONE season) they try to keep him around for a lifetime. Some men are put into your life for a short amount of time. They are put there to teach you a lesson or to show you things in your life that can be possible. Sometimes they are even there to show you the things you don’t want to have to deal with for the rest of your life but some women miss those messages, ENTIRELY. I know everyone has seen “Martin,” so you can tell me, besides “stank breathe,” what was Pam’s biggest flaw?? The fact that she didn’t have a man and COULDN’T get one on top of that. Now, I know that’s TV, of course, but it hits on an important misconception.

A black woman has to have a man to be Happy!

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Next, black women have a weakness for a cute face and some player talk. One of the biggest reasons why black women settle for less than ideal men is because, these men, simply…talk a good game. Once a man has a woman believing she’s “in love with him,” once he has that woman believing she’s the “only one” for him he’s pretty much reeled that woman in for life. There are men out there, however, who say what it takes. Their main goal is to get that woman to feel like she is in love so he can then do things that he wants, while stringing her along. Their goal is to play and deceive these women. Most women are very emotional creatures so they become naive to seeing these types of tricks and games being played. They are blinded by the “love” they think they feel. Many black women are loving on a married or otherwise committed man thinking that man is going to leave his wife, his life, his kids and everything as he knows it, for a side chick…sometimes YES, these men do, but more often than not….it’s just not gonna happen ladies!!!

Lastly, too many of us women, especially the very young or the older generations are much too insecure. We believe that if we let the one we have go, regardless of their wrong doings, we will never find that feeling again. We won’t find anyone better than the one we are with, even though that is mostly an untrue statement that’s how it goes.

Often times we can’t find anyone better because we are giving all of our time and effort to a person that isn’t appreciating it. We’re trying to get that man to see how much we love him && we’re not getting anything in return for it. From that way of thinking, however, we SETTLE, we take what we can get so that we don’t have to be alone. We won’t have to deal with the pain of a break-up and we also won’t have to start over anew.

PS….i’m not an expert i’m just sharing my personal experiences and convictions on the situation. Feel free to agree or disagree and let me know how you feel about black women && their thoughts on black men.

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Men && Women just don’t respect Relationships anymore!?!? It’s a Cheater’s PARADISE!

Posted on August 28, 2009. Filed under: Cheating, Double Standards, Life, Love, Men, Random, Rants, Relationship, Women | Tags: , , , , , , |

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According to MomLogic.com. Out of 3,300 women polled:

— 52% of women have had sex with a married man
— 81% of women have been approached by a married man
— 60% of married men cheat
— Only 12% of women felt guilty about cheating
— A shocking 5% used a condom regularly

Sometimes, I think us ladies have a hard time believing that the man we are with is cheating on us. I have been in the situation myself and sometimes a woman can know in her heart that their “significant other” is out doing wrong but time and time again we need that SOLID proof. Something that will convince us that he’s doing what we HOPE TO GOD he is not. We need pictures, confirmation from his friends or other females. We take all of these steps while knowing deep down it’s unnecessary. I think women just don’t wanna feel duped. They want to be strong, they want to overlook the fact that “their man” doesn’t love them as much as he says he does. They want that man to know he is caught. We think by us catching him that he will instantly change…WRONG.  A person won’t change until they are ready unless they really really want to save the relationship.

 I believe you can’t have love without trust and honesty. If there is an open relationship  and line of communication from the beginning and each person knows their role from the  then that’s something totally different. However, relationships usually don’t go in that direction.

In today’s America there seems to be a loss of respect for a relationship. Whether you are married or just a girlfriend, our men have loss sight of the fact that when you choose to be in a relationship, you choose to be with that person and only that person.

All too many times us women continually forgive and forget. We are giving these men power over us. We are giving these men ammunition to think that it’s OK to treat us women in that way. Now, I’m not the type to say all men are “dogs,” but the ones that “are” have been made to believe that they can get away with it. If a women lets a men disrespect her why would he ever do anything but that. He’s still getting everything he wants from that women, so why treat you like the Queen you are?? I know many guys that have said they had to barely do anything to get a chick to buy them a car, pay a bill for them, or just flat out give them money. All they have to do is say

“oh yea, you’re my girlfriend!” “Oh yea, girl, OF COURSE I Love you.”

C’mon now. If that men isn’t putting in the time with you, if he isn’t uplifting you instead of taking from you then that’s not the man for you. That man doesn’t “love you,” that man loves what you’re doing for him.

NOT ALL WOMEN BUT SOME are like this. I have also been in this situation once (with a cheater, NOT with giving anybody my money) so i’m not trying to bash anyone. I can’t sit up here and talk about something that I know nothing about…so yea, but that’s my little disclaimer.

Back to the topic at hand, we give these men the power. When he “puts a ring on it” even after he’s cheated on you many times before, why in the WORLD would you think that just because the two of you said “I Do” that he really will. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t think I will ever marry. Everybody tells me that i’m crazy for not wanting to get married and i’m a women, but, to me, marriage is only A PIECE OF PAPER and a big ceremony people.

I REFUSE to get married and then get a divorce. If that’s gonna be the case we should have just kicked it and then broke up when we couldn’t stand each other, but now we have to deal with paperwork && the courts. For better or for worse is what marriage is supposed to be about, I know, but it’s also supposed to be about monogamy, so until I completely know that I have  THAT there will be no Queen marrying anybody…anywhere…anytime soon.

 

So, what you guys think about Marriage in 2009?

Is it the same? What has changed? Do you ever plan on getting married?

Do you think all men are dogs? Why or Why Not? Do you think there are still good men left?

Why is it do you think that we keep forgiving these men for treating us badly?

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